24,375 carlories of 100% pure deliciousness: an elegantly set dinner at the first annual Boards Adcademy Awards.

After years spent dreaming up witty wordplays and rib-tickling, edrudite comparisons between sports and ads for Adland's biggest annual showcase, we're creating an Oscars for Super Bowl ads... with a twist. Here's a rundown of the bold and the boring, the clever and the crass, the hilarious and the heinous, the scintillating and the stupid. So without further ado ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Boards Adcademy Awards.

Best Use of Media:
Miller High Life, "1 Second Ad"
Brevity is the soul of wit. And at $3 million a spot, a hell of a lot cheaper.

Best Use of Celebrity:
Hulu "Alec in Huluwood"
Alec Baldwin's turn as the smarmy, deliciously reprehensible arch-capitalist Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock makes him an inspired choice for Crispin's ridiculous comic wheeze for online TV venture Hulu. He's a lip-smacking, slimy alien, part of a conspiracy to use Hulu to turn our brains to "mushy mush" and scoop them out with a melon-baller. Naturally.

Best Arbiter of Misanthropy:
Doritos "Free Doritos"
By many ad meter counts this was the most popular spot of the Super Bowl, a reminder that despite the protestations of the entire ad industry, most people like bad, stupid, lowest common denominator ads. Defying reason, justice and hope, two unemployed brothers from Batesville, Indiana won a whopping $1 million with this inane mix of a bad idea, bad acting, bad writing, bad directing... and a snow globe in the nuts. A crushing 30 seconds of creative despair.

Most Sadistically Hilarious Performance; Best Chimp Lovin':
Castrol "Jimmy", "Grease Monkeys"
Animal love and casual violence: illegal, but funny, at least in Castrol's pair of Super Bowl spots. In one, some stereotyping of sadistic Scots and savage dipstick thrashing from the Perlorian Brothers could instill fear in the heart of anyone named Jimmy. Oh, and there's man/monkey love in their other spot. Motor oil and humor: mutually exclusive no longer.

Most Egregious Use of Mawkish
Sentiment: Budweiser "Clydesdale Circus"
It's confounding to us how Budweiser's perennially plucky Clydesdales avoid the glue factory, particularly after this maudlin piece of sentimental drivel that sees one of the giant work horses go cross country to get some circus tail. Boring, outdated, unfunny. It's time to hang up the horseshoes, please.

Best Vocal Performance in a Spot:
Gatorade "Manifesto - Jordan"
The "King of Voiceovers", Don LaFontaine, is dead and Maya Angelou isn't getting any younger. Frankly, America needs a new omnipotent voice... and that voice is Lil' Wayne. Better known for adding his Louisiana drawl to nonsensical yet strangely hypnotic rap lyrics, Wayne has also shown that he can make "epic athlete" ad copy seem rousing too. First stop Gatorade, next stop PBS.

Best Case for Making Babies Tolerable:
E*Trade "Wings"
Most Americans hate babies. It's true.** So it takes a lot to get people to pay any attention to them. It's even more of a gamble to put two of them on display during a game as anti-family as the Super Bowl. So how do you build that seemingly impossible bridge between babies and adults? You hit the latter with what's still most relevant to them - '80s atmospheric pop rock. Now, what person over 35 wouldn't burp a baby singing Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings"?
**This statement is entirely untrue.

Best Use of Salt in Your Wound:
Monster.com "Double Take"
People nowadays don't want gloss for their problems, they want someone who can relate and offer solutions. Kudos to "Double Take" for delivering both: Danny Kleinman's brilliant visual execution of what it feels like to literally have a "shit" job; and Monster.com's promise of a totally rebuilt and comprehensive site.

Cutest Argentine Casting:
Coca-Cola "Avatars"
We at Boards see so many Buenos Aires-shot ads we have pet names for all the scruffy-but-sexy hipster actors from Argentina (like Jockin' Jose and Lil' Jesus). Nexus' Smith & Foulkes picked a particularly dashing one to wander aimlessly among a cityscape full of cutely-animated avatars. Though the cast of 3D creatures is impressive, to paraphrase the slogan, there's nothing like the real thing.

Best Recession-Era Offer:
Denny's "Thugs"
What a better way to nurse a Super Bowl-sized hangover than for "everyone in America" to eat a free Grand Slam breakfast the following day? Product pitch aside, Goodby's "Thugs" - about an ominous mafia confab undermined by a cutesy breakfast order - benefits from perfect, absurd directorial timing. Just when you're expecting the product shot, the Perlorian Brothers manage to squeeze in one more laugh.

Least Convincing Voice of Our Generation:
will.i.am in Pepsi "Refresh Anthem"
Despite solid production values, "Refresh Anthem" offends not only because of its familiar "brand heritage" ad cliché, but Bob Dylan and will.i.am's 'duet' implies that the "My Humps" songwriter is the Dylan of our times. Really?

Best Spoof:
Cash4Gold "One Up"
Two of the most spectacularly broke celebrities in the history of the B-list, Ed McMahon and MC Hammer, cameo in Cash4Gold's spoof of, well, Cash4Gold ads. The duo ham it up as they show off their ludicrous gold possessions, destined to be hocked for money. What's truly hilarious, however, is what's left unsaid: namely, the two are probably so hard up for cash they had no choice but to star in a spot aimed at people who are hard up for cash.

Best.Brief.Ever:
Careerbuilder.com "Tips"
"A caffeinated, bespectacled puppet koala gets cold-cocked." We'd like to imagine that this was the single-line brief for arguably the most imaginative and unapologetically irreverent of the Super Bowl spots. "Oh dear!" indeed.

The Intern's Perspective
By Brittany Eldridge

Hulu "Alec In Huluwood"> My favorite one of all the spots. It's quirky and fun, and I'm just a huge fan of Alec Baldwin.

Pepsi "Refresh Anthem"> I found the comparison of generations interesting, and the Bob Dylan mash up with will.i.am makes a good soundtrack.

Hyundai "Angry Bosses"> Irritating. I found it to be pretentious, and the line at the end, rhyming Hyundai with Sunday, was annoying right from the first time I heard it.

Budweiser "Clydesdale Circus"> Kind of boring. I had no clue it was a beer ad until the Budweiser logo appeared at the end.

Coke Zero "Mean Troy"> I always love an ad that can make me laugh, and I found the twist on the Mean Joe Greene ad hilarious.